To clarify, we don’t expect that any of you will be exiting this article with the poetry clout of a modern day Bukowski. Poetry is F’in hard! In fact, and perhaps this is because we’re ignorant, we can’t even name any modern day poets. All of our favorites are long gone. That said, Valentine’s Day is a holiday of love and what better way to say I love you than to write someone a heartfelt poem? Of course, being FHM, we’re not going to spoon feed you a tutorial on iambic pentameter or hell, even haiku. We’re going to walk you through some rude Valentine’s poems that will make your significant other blush — for all the wrong reasons.
For starters, we’d like to express that a poem doesn’t necessarily have to rhyme, but, for the purposes of Valentine’s Day, we really, really, think it should! If it’s good enough for Hallmark, it’s good enough for us! Problem is, rhyming can be cheesy AF. However, because we’re making these poems more Bad Gal RiRi and less Mother Goose, we think we’ll dodge the cheesy bullet with no problem.
This is where we come in with some fire examples, guys! We recommend that you try coming up with some of your own — specifically catering to your lady’s tastes, but, we understand if it’s easier to simply copy and paste what we’ve got going on. Disclaimer: if your girlfriend/wife/fiancé finds any of these distasteful, you’re on your own. We take zero responsibility.
Roses are red, violets are blue, this Valentine’s Day is about more than just F’in you.
Instead of Netflix and chill, let’s go out to dinner, let me take care of the bill!
It’s 2018 and the president is Trump, I know that he’s about as attractive as most people’s dumps, but let’s distract ourselves from politics and go out for Valentine’s Day real quick.
Instead of spending your night scrolling through the ‘gram, let’s hit the town and go HAM. It’s Valentine’s Day, after all, and you’re my one and only through it all!
Kayne has Kim and Khloe has Tristian, I’m here to say, I love you, this just in!
OK, so, it’s not Shakespeare quality content, but, you get the gist, right? Take some pop culture references and make it sound clever. In the event you aren’t clever, we recommend heading over to the public library and photocopying something written by E.E. Cummings or William Blake, you’re welcome.