The CEO of FHM and ‘controversial’ Big Brother housemate discusses his last day on Earth…
How do you want to leave this world?
Well, I don’t. But much like being evicted from the Big Brother house, it does seem inevitable. Please, God, just let me go calmly in my sleep at 106 with my three children still alive.
Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Oh, yeah. Lots. But nothing I would put in writing!
What’s your last meal?
My mum’s lasagne. She’ll surely be long gone by then, so I’ll be sure to get her to make one soon and throw it in the freezer.
Are you going to Heaven or Hell?
Heaven. Not because of anything I’ve done, but my dad was such a good Catholic. Surely his brownie points extend to at least one future generation.
What do you say to God when you get there?
Hi God, where are my parents (and Michael Jackson) at?
Which legendary people will you hang out with in the afterlife?
Just MJ. We can Moonwalk together for all eternity.
Who from the Big Brother 2025 house would you not want to see in the afterlife?
Allana. I’ve just died FFS. And my own mum will already be there. I don’t need a second mum telling me how to behave.
To whom on Earth do you owe an apology?
No one. I walked this world with integrity. But if you have an extra 100 pages next issue, I’ll send you the list of people who owe me one!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever did on Earth?
Being attracted to women from Eastern Europe.
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again.
Marry a woman from Eastern Europe.
What would you like to be reincarnated as?
A woman from Eastern Europe.
What is your family saying over your casket?
“I hope no more kids come out of the woodwork, because there’s not much left.”
What is the Big Brother 2025 cast saying over your casket?
“Michael who?”
What’s written on your tombstone?
He tried. He mostly failed. But he had fun doing so.
Got any last words?
Assuming I die in my sleep, I hope my last sound is an enormous sigh after a wicked evening with the 76-year-old woman of my dreams.
Big Brother continues at 7.30pm Monday to Friday, and 7pm Sundays. Watch and stream free on 10.
