The “Other Man” speaks out…
Everyone talks about the cheater and the cheated. The headlines are all about the man who betrayed his girl, or the woman who got caught with someone else. But what about the other man? The shadow figure. The guy she sneaks texts to while her boyfriend is watching TV. The man behind the midnight DMs and the secret hotel meetups. The side dude. We rarely hear from him. Maybe because he’s written off as a player or villain. Maybe because no one wants to admit they’ve been there. But the truth? The role of the “side dude” is more common, and complicated, than most guys want to admit. This is an unfiltered look into what it’s like being the other man, told through real stories, psychological insights, and a raw exploration of desire, ego, and moral confusion.
Chapter One
The First Time I Became Him
It wasn’t planned. It never is.
I was 26, fresh out of a messy breakup, and meeting women mostly through Instagram and nightlife. That’s where I met L – dark hair, tattoos, and a wild sense of humour that cut through the noise. We flirted for weeks before she told me she had a boyfriend. My ego took a hit… but only for a second.
Then came the “but.”
“But it’s complicated. He’s never around. We’re basically done. We don’t even sleep together anymore.”
One night turned into a few. A few turned into a routine. I wasn’t trying to take him out of the picture – I just liked the attention. The thrill. The access. And she made it easy.
I told myself, “It’s her relationship, not mine. If she’s cheating, that’s on her.” But the deeper I went, the more I realised: that excuse wears thin fast.
Chapter Two
Why Guys Become Side Dudes
You’d think it’s all about sex. And yeah, sometimes it is. But the truth? It’s more layered than that.
Psychologists call this “ego validation.” When you become the person someone is willing to risk it all for, it triggers a powerful high. You’re not just sleeping with someone, you’re being chosen. Over someone else. Over commitment.
For some guys, especially those who’ve been cheated on before, becoming the side dude is a subconscious way of regaining power. It’s a reversal of the humiliation they once felt.
For others, it’s about low-stakes intimacy. You get the benefits – attention, physical connection, flirtation – without the commitment. You’re not expected to meet the parents or help move furniture on Sundays.
As one anonymous contributor, let’s call him D, age 34, put it:
“I didn’t want a girlfriend, but I missed connection. She gave me that. I didn’t ask her to cheat, but I didn’t stop it either.”
Chapter Three
The Rules of the Game
Being a side dude has unspoken rules. Break them, and the fantasy collapses fast.
- Never catch feelings.
That’s rule one, and it’s broken more often than you’d think. The second you want more, you’re a threat to her real relationship, and she’ll protect that first. - Stay in your lane.
Don’t text during family events. Don’t ask questions about the boyfriend. Don’t post anything suspicious. You’re the secret. Play your part. - Know you’re disposable.
You’re fun until you’re not. You’re therapy until she reconciles. You’re a risk she’ll drop the second she feels guilty. One guy I interviewed, J (29), learned that the hard way:
“We were seeing each other for five months. She said she loved me. Then one day – ghosted. Full cold turkey. She posted a selfie with her boyfriend a week later.”
Chapter Four
The Guilt No-one Talks About
At first, it’s easy to compartmentalise. She chose to cheat, right? You didn’t force her. But that defence crumbles the first time you hear the guy’s name, or see his photo.
Some side dudes get off on the betrayal. Others… feel sick.
B (32), a graphic designer, shared this:
“I found out he was a good guy. Like, genuinely kind. She even said so. That messed with my head. I realised I wasn’t just part of a secret, I was helping destroy someone who didn’t deserve it.”
This guilt can manifest in weird ways. Some side dudes become hyper-protective of their relationships, terrified of karma. Others get addicted to the role, thinking it’s all they’re good for, never the boyfriend, always the side act. It messes with your self-worth in ways you don’t expect.
Chapter Five
Why She Chooses You
Let’s flip it. Why do women cheat with side dudes?
Some do it for excitement. Some for revenge. But often, it’s about something far more human: feeling seen.
In long-term relationships, especially ones going stale, attention fades. Compliments slow. Sex becomes routine. A side dude is a spark. A reminder that she’s still wanted. That someone else would still chase her. You’re the fantasy. The escape. That’s your appeal, and your curse.
Psychologist Esther Perel says, “People don’t cheat because they’re unhappy, they cheat because they want to feel alive.” And the side dude is the vehicle.
Chapter Six
The Fallout
Side dudes rarely get a happy ending.
If she leaves her man, she often carries guilt and distrust into the new relationship. After all, if she cheated with you, what’s stopping her from cheating on you?
Even worse: most side flings don’t end with a breakup. They fizzle. Quietly. No closure. Just disappearing texts and vague excuses. And when you’re the one who walks away? That’s when the full moral weight hits.
One contributor, T (36), explained:
“I ended it because I saw photos of her kid. That’s when it stopped being fun. I couldn’t keep sleeping with someone who had a family like that. It felt like I was the villain in a movie I didn’t know I’d been cast in.”
Chapter Seven
Could You Ever Be the Victim?
Here’s the kicker. The same guy who played the side role today could be the betrayed tomorrow.
There’s no immunity. Men often assume we’re either alpha or prey. That we’d never get played. But women cheat too. And when they do, they’re often better at hiding it.
Every guy I interviewed who had been a side dude admitted this: They became more paranoid, more controlling, more insecure in future relationships.
It’s ironic. The guy who helped someone cheat now lives in fear of being cheated on.
Karma? Maybe. Or maybe just the human consequence of seeing how messy love really is.
Chapter Eight
Is There Ever a Justified Side Dude?
This is the moral grey zone. Is it always wrong?
Some argue no.
Take M (38), who got involved with a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship:
“He cheated on her for years. Controlled her money, isolated her. I helped her remember she was still beautiful, still desirable.
I gave her the courage to leave.”
In this case, M didn’t feel like the villain. He felt like a lifeline.
Others say they were lied to, that they didn’t know she had a boyfriend at all until it was too late.
But regardless of justification, one
theme remains: the aftermath is never clean. Someone always gets hurt. Sometimes it’s her. Sometimes it’s him. Sometimes it’s you.
What I Learned on the Other Side
Being a side dude made me feel powerful – until it didn’t.
It taught me how easy it is to rationalise bad behaviour. How quickly desire overrides values. And how slippery the slope of “it’s not my fault” can become.
Would I do it again? No. Not because I’m some moral saint. But because
I know better now. I know how much damage I caused, even when I told myself I was just along for the ride.
And if you’re reading this, wondering if you should step into someone else’s relationship, ask yourself this:
Would you want someone doing it to you?
If the answer’s no… then maybe it’s not worth the risk.
Men’s lives aren’t all locker-room laughs and bravado. Sometimes the boldest thing we can do is admit the complicated truth. And the truth is: sometimes we are the problem. Even when we don’t mean to be.
But recognising that? That’s the first step to becoming better.
Even if we had to learn it the hard way. ■
